Hope And Hope Again.

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope."  - Martin Luther

When I began this blog it was for me to reflect on the journey that I was, against my free will, forced on.  Where the CaringBridge blog acted as a play by play of our medical journey, Hope In The Storm would offer me a chance to dig into my feeling and sort out my own understandings or frustrations as to what I  was encountering as a single parent with a child battling cancer.

 

Childhood leukemia crashes into you like a hurricane and rips the roof off of your normal day to day existence.  Suddenly you find yourself picking up the pieces, surveying the damage and fighting for your child's life.  Waves of grief, fear, anger and anxiety beat against your shores yet you must show no fear.  You must stay strong for you are their lifeboat and the greatest source of their Hope.

I wrote this header thinking about how I felt devoured by a freak storm that came out of no where and my desire to focus on hope rather than anger and fear.  Believing that for all involved a hope focus would allow for me to remain strong and focused, ready to fight.  Knowing from the beginning that Tucker's leukemia was likely terminal and desperately not wanting to give up...hope was the only viable bridge, buffer, guard and weapon I had.

Now I find myself in the midst of another storm, and while not a freakish storm that came out of nowhere, this hurricane is still with moments of torrential rains, thrashing winds and crashing waves. However, there are moments of silent calm when the winds and waves give way to rest and reflection.  Where guilt free laughter and life is allowed to happen. Where memories flow sweetly and a future seems possible. Where life is worth  living and dreams are worth having.  Yet just as suddenly as you find your soul in the quiet eye of the storm you are suddenly battening down the hatches, piling up a wall of sand bags and bearing down for the next downpour.

Certainly I have found that life is a collection of experiences, good and bad that bring about change and perspective. When the storm rages the lay of the land looks broken and bleak as my spirit bends to the powerful gusts of the grief and sorrow that pursue me.  When the storm is calm I feel brave enough to pick up the pieces and allow life to have happy moments where the sun shines on my face and warms my soul.

Twenty months after my son's death, I still find that hope is the only viable bridge, buffer, guard and weapon I have when the flood waters rise and the wind howls it's sorrowful song. It is hope that creates a rainbow as warm rays of life and light cut through the darkness and offer the promise of  beauty once again. So as I move forward with this blog and my journey, as I allow myself the room to rage and grow and to have sorrow and song, I found it time to change the description of the blog to something that better described where I am now.

A mother's journey through the storm of grief on a quest for understanding, healing and hope. 

Thank you for accompanying me as I learn and grow. I hope that what I share with you will bring perspective and hope into your journeys as well.