True North

"To never give up and to know that you don't have a limit to how hard you can try." - Tucker Scott Arnold, 1999 - 2011

There is a sadness that covers me, like wet clothes, heavy and cold. The days drag by so slowly. I feel lost without Tucker. All this time I was trying so hard to take care of him and keep him safe. I never realized how much he was my true north. Without him I feel like I am wandering through each day. Part of me still hopes that I will find him and the other more reasonable half knows that I will not.  I miss him more than I could possibly say in these words. He was not only my son but my best friends and greatest teacher.  It just is so unfair that a light like his was snuffed out.

Going through pictures and his things. He was a brilliant boy who was a chubby little baby and an adventurous toddler.  He was the boy that actually said he wanted to be the President of the United States when he grew up and serve our country in the armed forces. He was a patriot who's bedroom was decorated in American flags and memorabilia from his father and grandfathers military days. He loved dessert camo. He was a goofy little boy with a generous heart. The one that gave his happy meal toy to the child sitting near him because he already had so many and they had none. He would jump off the bleachers just to see if he could land on his feet. He loved to help cook and bake. He loved watching food network. Alton Brown and Guy Fieri were his favorites. He idolized his older brothers and cherished his family. He got his feelings hurt easily and he just couldn't understand cruelty in the world. He would stick up for someone if he thought they were being bullied. He would often put other peoples feelings ahead of his own and go without if it meant everyone else could have some. He loved to ride his bike and play outside. He loved to garden, although he didn't like to eat vegetables. He loved walking the dog and cuddling with his cat Stanley. He like having a picnic and people watching. He was hard on himself with high standards. He was forgiving to others and always gave someone a second chance. He was a good friend to have. He was a boy's boy and like boy things, no bows or ribbons. He liked watching movies and listening to 80's rock. He liked to read Calvin and Hobbes comic books. He liked Jack Black and comedies. He didn't like sweets and candy a lot, but always liked ice cream and root-beer floats. He loved movie theater popcorn. His favorite foods were snack foods, tater tots, corn dogs and grilled cheese. His favorite dinner was candied ham and yams with Hawaiian bread. He always slept with one eye cracked open and sometime talked in his sleep. He liked to sleep in. He liked to play board games and do group activities. He liked the beach but loved the snow.  His favorite holiday was Christmas his least was Halloween. He never like to wear a big bulky coat just a zip up hoodie sweatshirt. He was a t-shirt and jeans kinda kid, on very rare occasion could you get him in slacks or any shirt with a collar on it. He loved to swim and especially liked to sit in the hot tub.  He liked to watch football games better than basketball games and always live better than on TV.  He didn't like soccer because there was to much running. He like fedora and beanie hats. He didn't like the bill on a baseball hat.  He was good at saving money. His favorite animals were lemurs and penguins.  He like reality TV shows and reruns of George Lopez, The Nanny and My Wife and Kids. Even when the odds were against him he would never stop trying. He like to do as much as he could for himself and didn't like to be fussed over. He liked to laugh and make others laugh. Oh I could go on and on here.....He was an amazing kid. 

If I could do it all over again, even knowing how it would end. I would with no doubt.