2011-01-28

Little Pieces

If I am not trying to keep busy, I catch myself feeling like I am breaking into tiny little pieces and chipped at the corners.  I feel numb and empty, like how you feel when you are hungry but without the hunger pain. Instead I feel like there is a thousand pound weight on my chest and something just knocked the wind out of me.  I feel blank...numb, afraid to feel any kind of emotion for the total melt down that it could ensue.  I suddenly feel like a total sham...everyone telling my how strong and brave I am. How proud of me they are but if they could only see inside, how tighly I am gripping onto the edges and plugging the holes. Bailing water as quickly as it is flooding in. 

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2 comments:

  1. Beth Z5:02 PM

    Hi Jen. You do seem strong and brave, but not without a heart. How can any of us know what it is like to be in your shoes - you are unique no matter what is true for any of us, although we stand with you. Your authenticity shines, as does the way you stand by Tucker, selflessly. Thank you for that.

    On the night of Cy's transplant, my boys came to the conclusion that the universe should have stayed in beta longer. I have to agree. I am stunned by what you are enduring and my heart breaks with yours. I am with you.

    Love,

    Beth

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  2. Hi Jen,

    Reading your blog and seeing what you are going through really breaks my heart. I lost my father a week ago to AML leukemia.He was only in hospital for 6 months and picked up an infection that a normal person would struggle to beat. We sadly lost him and the whole family was there until the end.

    Leukemia is not something for the faint hearted. I believe that God gives challenges to those that are strong enough to push through them all. Reading all your posts I know what you are going through and I will send a prayer every night. Stay strong and believe that he will get better.

    Werner

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