2011-01-28

Little Pieces

If I am not trying to keep busy, I catch myself feeling like I am breaking into tiny little pieces and chipped at the corners.  I feel numb and empty, like how you feel when you are hungry but without the hunger pain. Instead I feel like there is a thousand pound weight on my chest and something just knocked the wind out of me.  I feel blank...numb, afraid to feel any kind of emotion for the total melt down that it could ensue.  I suddenly feel like a total sham...everyone telling my how strong and brave I am. How proud of me they are but if they could only see inside, how tighly I am gripping onto the edges and plugging the holes. Bailing water as quickly as it is flooding in. 

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2011-01-21

Taking it day by day.

When does the blueberry waffles, sun on your face and seeing your pets become more important?  I was asked this question tonight.  This last month has been devastatingly hard on Tucker's body. His vital organs are taking a beating, his bone marrow is empty and his blood is infected with a yeast infection.  The cancer is killing him and so is the treatment.  When do you say enough is enough? How does a mother logically do that? It is a parents instint to protect and help their child but when the doctors start having quality of life conversations with you it becomes very sobering.

(Tucker is battling a yeast infection in his blood.)